If It Hurts It Isn’t Love: A Teen Perspective

Violence in teen relationships is at the heart of our quest to raise public awareness around harmful behaviour between two individuals. As such we all have a responsibility to do what we can to stop it from happening by keeping it in the spotlight so that teenagers are educated and empowered to recognise violent behaviour in their relationships and be able to safeguard themselves.

Issues around uncertainty and ambivalence are often a common theme amongst young people regarding their relationships, which is not surprising considering their age-related low level of experience in this area. In addition, teenagers grow up with a mixed bag of society’s perspectives on dating and relationships, fed to them by tv/media images and of course first hand experiences in the home which are not always positive.
Do you know why it can often be difficult for young people to recognise behaviours in their partners that make them victims of ‘domestic’ violence? It is partly because domestic violence is much more than physical abuse. In fact, many victims who are controlled by their partners and who live in danger and fear have never been physically assaulted.

Being in love is a relatively new and exciting phenomena when you’re in your teens, and why not? It’s supposed to be fun - a romantic, happy time. Here may lie the underlying cause for much of the violent behaviour that starts to occur as teenagers, wanting to sustain those feelings within the relationship can be prone to overlook certain behaviours. They figure that all relationships have their ups and downs and may be questioning what’s the norm? How are you supposed to gauge what’s right or acceptable anyway? Yes, tuneful lyrics of favourite songs tell us that ‘love hurts’, but this is far from the kind of emotional or physical violence that should be expected to come out of a relationship.

So how do you begin to deal with it when it happens to you? Well, for a start, you need to arm yourself with the right information about the main issues and that’s where CLC is determined to make a difference. Understanding what domestic violence is, means being aware of the many different things abusers do to control their partners.
We aim to educate and support teenagers who want to know more about this important subject. That’s what we’re here for and that’s what CLC is all about. If there’s one message you need to hear loud and clear, it is that YOU DO NOT DESERVE IT so don’t put up with it. Either you and your partner work at making the relationship work without abuse and violence or end it.

To bring it closer to home, lets take a look at the different forms of abuse in teen relationships– see if you recognise any of the scenarios presented – they are all forms of violent behaviour that you should not be accepting in your relationships.

The odd slap

Angie is out with friends and bumps into her partner with his friends. Within a few minutes their joking around develops into insults about Angie’s size and clothes. Embarrassed by this Angie shouts at her partner to stop showing her up in front of her friends. He responds by grabbing her arm and giving her a slap to shut her up.

Humiliation

Archie is in the middle of a conversation with someone in a crowded room when his partner Marcia butts in and tells him to stop talking because she’s sick of hearing his whiny voice especially when he’s talking a whole load of rubbish. She shoves her bag in his hand and tells him they’re leaving so he’d better move his useless ass! Archie feels small and humiliated but doesn’t know what to do or say. He follows Marcia out of the room.

Jealousy

Sacha and Laverne have been dating for about a month. Sacha has been increasingly possessive and demanding, insisting that Laverne spends her spare time with her. Sacha is unpleasant and overbearing when they socialise together with friends which has had the desired effect in isolating Laverne from her friends. She now goes out less and less and is beginning to lose confidence.

Violence and blame

Jamal and Hussain are often having arguments over little things. Jamal’s temper usually gets the better of him and he strikes out violently, hitting his partner Hussain. The next day he does what he usually does, apologising that he didn’t mean to lash out and that it was Hussain’s fault for winding him up. He’ll try not to do it again.

Rape and manipulation

Janice is 15 years of age and has started seeing Jaz who is 22 years old. They are kissing on the sofa at his house and Jaz starts to get a bit heavy, wanting to go further despite Janice making it clear that she is not ready to have sex with him. Jaz ignores what she says and forces her to have intercourse. He tries to make her feel guilty by trying to flatter her and blame her at the same time, for what he has done – after all, she shouldn’t be so sexy and tease him.

Use this checklist of behaviours as a guide to help you decide if you or someone you know is being abused.

Does your partner…

USE EMOTIONAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL CONTROL?

• Call you names, shout at you, put you down, make snide racial or homophobic comments, regularly criticize or undermine you and your abilities as a wife, partner or mother?
• Behave in an overprotective way or become extremely jealous?
• Make it difficult for you to see family and friends, or "bad-mouth" your family and friends?
• Prevent you from going where you want to, when you want to, and with whomever you want to?
• Humiliate or embarrass you in front of other people?

 

USE ECONOMIC CONTROL?

• Stop you from accessing family assets like bank accounts, credit cards or a car?
• Control all the finances, force you to account for what you spend or take your money?
• Prevent you from getting or keeping a job or from going to school?
• Limit your access to health, prescription and/or dental insurance?

 

THREATEN YOU?

• Threaten to report you to the authorities (the police, courts or child protective services) for something you didn't do?
• Threaten to harm or kidnap the children?
• Make you afraid by using looks, actions or gestures?
• Display weapons as a way of making you afraid or directly threaten you with weapons?
• Use anger or "loss of temper" as a threat to get you to do what he wants?
• Threaten to expose your sexual orientation to friends, family or employer, if you are gay or lesbian?
• Threaten to report you to INS or immigration?

COMMIT ACTS OF PHYSICAL VIOLENCE?

• Carry out threats to hurt you, your children, pets, family members, friends or himself?
• Destroy personal property or throw things around?
• Grab, push, hit, punch, slap, kick, choke or bite you?
• Force you to have sex when you don't want to or to engage in sexual acts that you don't want to do?
• Prevent you from taking medications or getting medical care?
• Deny you access to basic food items, drinks or sleep?

 

These are some of the most common tactics used by abusers to control their partners but are by no means the only ones. If your partner does things that restrict your personal freedom or make you afraid, you may be a victim of domestic violence. To find help, contact Cassandra Learning Centre - 0870 446 0028